Bridge To A Lost City

“Lost City” (c)Lawrence A Capozzolo

Speeding for life,
trying to escape the urban skew.

The city once was,
a central heartbeat of all.

But after catching a great ball,
it let it slip causing a great fall.

The resulting mess,
caused all to digress.

Screaming across the last and only route,
leaving family behind with other roots.

Never looking back,
that bridge – the longest mile filled with asphalt black.

Keeping lifetimes of memories,
decisions to be avoided at best.

Wondering what would happen,
with all the rest.

-SWB

Screaming Weasel

Yep … that’s us!

A bit about “us” – since many have only been introduced to us recently, and nobody ever reads the “about” tab – and honestly, some time we just put things in it to be goofballs.

Most of the time it’s me, the author, Lawrence Capozzolo (signed SWB). An American, or Italian/German American, or mutt, or one of the people that’s paying a mortgage to house my step-daughter’s four furry critters (two dogs, a cat, and a rat). We’re pretty sure the animals had their lawyer get their names on the deed for the house too. They may have taken ours off at this point.

SWB started originally started in 2006 when I purchased my G4 iBook and it had iWeb on it. I made my first posting after I noticed a blog called That’s Church (I’m pretty sure that was still its title back then – but I’m getting old, and memories fade fast now … so I could be incorrect.) The person writing “That’s Church” eventually went on to write for Pittsburgh Magazine.  Although my blog become popular in about fifteen countries doing about 1.2 million hits a year, I chose getting back into I.T. work (I could have been smarter and went back to school for carpentry or plumbing or HVAC …. but NO, I stuck with I.T.) therefore still writing but not keeping it up eventually doing it professionally.

The blog was started, like others at the time as a rant blog (humorous rant). I figured people would find humor in the annoying blabberings of us tech types, and I was right. Now that I’m close to 50 (ok …. REALLY close) I’m getting back into writing for it and doing photography for it again (unless otherwise stated – those photos are really mine) basically because of ageism (tech is becoming like the NFL … if you didn’t get your first Ferrari right in the beginning, the youngin’s aren’t going to give you a chance to get one now … you’re too old to work in tech) I’m back to writing. I like doing it anyway.

I don’t know if I’ll get my numbers back up or if I’ll ever get a donation (but although I’m not a non-profit, please keep in mind I have to replace two cars, a furnace, and put a kid through university – so have a heart, consider donating).  Right now I do a little sound engineering work, etc – waiting to get back into tech if I ever do.  If I just end up writing, better yet.

Back to SWB. It will continue to be a showcase for humorous rant, really bad poetry, attempts at legitimate poetry, and whatever gets thrown into it. Some others may write for it (if they do you will know). If you like the writing, please like the posts or blog – if you really like it – follow, if you think I should put it into a book – donate. Remember, books still do things like enabling me to generate enough money to donate to others that love to do what writers love to do.

The photography is also part of the showcasing in SWB, I’ve been doing this since the age of 13 …. so 36 years. You’ll notice various formats (slide, digital, modified, etc). The other site I write for Pittsburgh By Mini Cam is designed to be for low-res photography.

Yes … we do on purpose write badly, strangely, and horrendously (this is different from “badly” as it indicates a “graduate” level of “bad”). We try to make you think by readings that make you feel that Scotty forgot to but a few brain atoms back into you after beaming you up.

We just have fun.

… and we do consider padded rooms to be ultra comfy posh places. The straight jackets are slightly annoying though – especially when you have to type with your teeth.

We are the late show, art gallery, literary short, stand up comedian, sitcom, political humorist, poetm, life loving, opinionated schmucked (buggered for the British folks) up oxygen breathing carbon based units that you will hopefully learn to as least like. If not, click the “like” button anyway – people lie all the time.

-Lawrence A Capozzolo

SWB – “making legimate writer groan in agony”

I Should be Happy

Another Blah Post

SWB Series: Blah Blah Blah

Actually I am …. but nobody reads a post about someone that’s happy. It’s just way too irritating – ESPECIALLY before coffee.

Oh, just SKIP the addiction speech too. Coffee is NOT a drug, get it? Even if I was addicted I’d never admit it to you. You’re too damn perky at 6am.

I know your looking at me and in your head saying “Sure … he’s happy. As happy as a fox caught in a trap after being chased by a blue-tick hound”. (If you know where part of that sentence was from, you’re old – and possibly have a Confederate flag on your car).

Well, guess what – I AM. I’m so flipping happy flowers a blooming as I skip down the sidewalk. The bees are following right behind the flowers and starting to sting the crap out of me … but I’m still happy – it’s nature, right?

I should be happy … I keep telling people I am, they never believe me, they’re just a confused lot. I’ve put my smiling mug on Friendface (if you know what this is you’re a hopeless nerd) – doesn’t that mean I’m happy, if I’m smiling on Friendface?

I am happy I Am Happy I Am Happy I Am Ha …………..

Wait ….. 20oz medium rare steak – now I m REALLY happy.

🙂

-SWB

If ANY of this made ANY sense to you at all, even in the most smallest of ways – please seek professional help, and I’m not talking depression – you’re just messed up if this made any sense at all.

 

 

Those Blooming People – Stick People Entitlement

 

… and Thoughts For The Strange

SWB Series Combined: Thoughts For The Strange and Thinking Inside The Box

Yep … a two-fer. Two columns of completely horrid writing and essay (or whatever you ant to call it) combined into one. We’re doing this for the Mils who might not want to take the time to read two whole articles … honestly we’re trying to adapt to our audience. And yes … we realize Alexa is probably actually the one reading it to them.

Think Inside The Box … protest against stick people!!!

Let’s see if we can get Alexa to give itself commands ….

“Alexa ….. read ….. crap”.

Alexa …. “reading Screaming Weasel Blog.”

… see, works every time.

Now on to something substantial {{insert groan here}}. The groaning doesn’t mean stop reading, it’ll be painful – but if we are all strong we can make it through.

Remember – I have to write this garbage … you just have to read it.

Ok …. now … really …

Those Blooming People (yes, I watch too much British TV – TV in America basically sucks, unless you’ve had your brain sucked out) – I’m tired of them, just like everyone else. Those entitled stick people walking around everywhere. They think they are due everything in life just because they were forced to spend years and years stuck to back windows on cars and trucks. They complain about everything …. and their dogs are too thin to keep leashes on them. I’ve been bitten six times by a stick dog that’s gotten out of its leash.

I mean, come on, stick people really aren’t people … they just think they are sentient after they finally fell off their perspective car or truck windows when their cage on wheels finally got turned into a cube in the end of life car compactor thingy. Yes, I said thingy – it’s a valid technical term.  No, you say?!? … sorry, it’s MY article so I can say what term is valid or not. Get – that – straight.

Now, this stick person entitlement issue.

I can understand humans becoming entitled.  I may not like it, but I can understand it. Although a technical person, at times I do actually dip into humanity – not much, but it happens – so as a result I do understand things a bit. But, even as a technical person, I’m not entitled – so why do stick people get to be? I mean it’s to the point where stick people have legislation going to keep stick dinosaurs that eat stick people from being put on cars and trucks. The stick people are completely offended that normal humans (and even tech people) take humor in them getting eaten by stick dinosaurs. It’s ridiculous, and a complete waste of the governments time. I’m sure it will end up in the Supreme Courts, wasting even more of the public’s money.

I still like Godzilla better than stick people. I grew up with Godzilla on TV. In relation to stick people … he’s my hero.

On to the box – I can see the corporate hiring quota systems changing right now:

1. Everyone else.
2. Stick People.
3. Typical tech guy.

I’ll never get a real job again.

All because of stick people entitlement. I mean really, things that were once on car windows now get rights? Really??

Maybe I’ll just get a job as a gardener … let me check Indeed.

Wait, What???? I can only get a job as a gardener if no stick flowers are included in the jobs I work, because it’s been negotiated that only stick people can work on gardens with stick flowers?!?!?!?!?!?

WTF???

I give up.

-SWB

Yep … we STRESS strange on this one.

 

City overshadowed

“Forgotten” (c)Lawrence A Capozzolo

SWB Series: Nonsense and Such

Do you live in a place that people seemed to have forgotten about?

Do you remember when you were young you lived in the hottest, coolest place on the earth?

Now, your pretty sure you live in a retirement community … overshadowed by the latest and greatest cool cities.

… or you live in Silicon Valley and you just traded your $3 million house for a 1970s custom van so you can  buy groceries this week.

Maybe not … if you’ve living near me you didn’t create a start-up that good.

So, one day you take the telescope you bought your kid because you thought it was ultra-cool (you’re a parent now, so you were really wrong about that which is why it’s in your closet and not their room), and point it across the river and see someone on the other side taking a picture of your city.

You figure out where they are and contact them (Big Brother Google makes this easy these days). You ask them what they are doing (you are curious, but vigilant too – so you want to make sure your city doesn’t have a stalker … remember there WERE children here once).

They tell you they are taking pictures and video clips for their YouTube series.

You ask, “What series is that?”

“Abandoned cities in Pennsylvania”, they reply.

… and then reality quickly sets in, and the truth comes out – ur just old, so is your city.

Welcome to middle age … it’s the new ancient.

-SWB

 

Scientifically Proven Fact

Strange … it’s strange.We are all real.

SWB Series: Thoughts For The Strange

We are real.

It’s been proven.

There are those that contest this and insist we are all figments of each other’s imaginations brought together by a rare form of quantum entanglement.

These are the “unrealists”.

The unrealists tend to pair the flat earth folks and they may be proving slightly similar points. Only one difficulty is found in this situation, and that is the mutual felling that each is unreal and just a figment of something (imagination or otherwise).

To those that are real, reality TV is a great outlet for life and an established place for daily humor, while for unrealists is a series of documentaries of what doesn’t exist (although, there are times where the real and unrealists have agreed on that point during a show – see, reality shows are sometimes so planned that they are truly unreal and fictional, which proves points on both sides of the  real and unreal arguments … ie. the fiction is real, but the situation is unreal and all are figments of otherwise).

Insane, right?

Not to the unrealists and those trying to disprove their points (themselves at times since unrealists are really figments of themselves … they think).

Now, all of these points are scientifically proven by some type of science somewhere … you just have to find it – or make it up until it exists.  Making it up isn’t wrong – at some point everything exists. Star Trek proved that.

Did you get that transparent aluminum serving bowl yet?

One of the best points in scientific practice is to try to disprove your point or theory. This puts the unrealists in a situation where they have to try to prove everything to be “real” placing them on the side of “the real” during this process. Politically this is an issue, because it causes internal strife with many “unrealist” organizations. Many a mini civil war within the unrealists have erupted during this disapproval process – even in purely scientific situations.

Scientists on both sides are trying to resolve this argument within 100 years … although this will be a challenge since both sides are still struggling with shapes and sizes, including that of the earth.

Unreal reality may result as a compromise to the argument.

This could ultimately result in things like the economy not being real and bread becoming free – since it wouldn’t be real in the world of the unrealists.

Note: To clarify “anti-reality” is not part of this discussion as it is a separate theory practiced under a completely different scientific discipline of the twisted grass method. This method would take close to a month to summarize, so we’ll hold off on that for now.

Please remember while reading this that this is completely unreal to the unrealists and the real alike simply because it is only a few atoms meshing into some form of digital ink (and if you try to make it completely real by printing it will damage your printer … since your printer is unreal, it can’t print anything real).

All hail reality!!!

… except for the unrealists.

-SWB … scientifically proven fact at it’s best.

We believe in inciting brain damage with words to help in keeping you from becoming a drug addict or alcoholic to obtain the same result.

Harder than it looks

Remember seeing that person do that job that looked like a piece of cake … then you had to do it and you found out how much of a pain it really was?

Yeah, so, in reviving SWB I figured I’d keep a little of it’s “rantiness” going by writing poetry (bad, horrible poetry) – and that would be WAY easier than trying to generate some legitimate stuff.

How wrong I was.

While I do realize that some of my real attempts at poetry many seasoned writers may compare with the brown stuff that comes out of their pets – the act of producing poetic writings that everyone would truly consider excrement is actually hard.

Now …. people produce crap all the time, so why does this suddenly become hard for me??

After taking some time to think this though and discuss it with a few people that have a couple of brain cells left … I’ve determined it’s not just me. It’s a problem with everyone.

See, once we as humans make a conscious decision to produce total and complete crap, it becomes hard work. I’m not saying that humans can’t legitimately product garbage – we do it all the time. What I’m saying is that it is sooooooooo much easier if we don’t actually make an effort at it.

If you don’t believe this watch the tryouts for American Idol. Avoid eating popcorn while doing that as the kernels hurt when you gag.

…. anyway, that was my whining for the day.

-SWB

Da Roof – a copy

“Da Roof Pittsburgh” (c)Lawrence A Capozzolo

Da roof
Da roof
Da roof in on …

yea …. I can’t do it – plagiarise that bad even for a cool crappy poem.

Love this pic … I did as soon as I reviewed it on my camera. It just makes for a cool skyline shot and begs one question: How do you tell which one is yours? Are the locks the same too? Is each home a true copy of the one next to it? I mean, what happens if that’s true and you walk in on the couple a few doors down on their day off and having a little fun? Embarrassing.

Ok … maybe not as embarrassing as the fact that you pulled into the wrong drive-way because you can count that high (I mean … there is only about ten houses there).

Kind of reminds me of Apple products … you can’t tell the difference until you get your credit card bill.

Ahh … you thought this was going to be an Apple rant? Nope …. to easy, besides everyone else is doing that right now so I have to wait a few weeks until it’s interesting again.

Is there any purpose to this at all?

No really … the basic fact of most whining these days.

This is SWB just being tired of everything looking like an outright copy of something that existed previously (movies, people, pigeon poop). It’s tiresome …. no originality anymore. I mean, the pigeons could at least poop in different shapes.

I even make each posting look consistent … it confuses my readers less (not to mention myself).

Oh, originality … where art thou? About the 15th century, I think.

… as my dog would say {{groooooooaaaaaan}}.

The world gets an SWB Clueless award for originality.

-SWB

Thinking up more crap faster than you can erase it from your brain.

Furballs N Things

Yep … We’re suckers.

We? (My Wife, Step-Kid, and Myself … and yes, I know that’s grammatically incorrect).

Some time last October (2017), we decided to adopt a friend for our rescue who was then about 9 1/2 years old. With all of us now out working (yes, my teen has a job), even with Dad in our house now – Brandy needed a friend.

Well, great …. Brandy got a friend. Wooohoooo! Yep, didn’t know what we were getting into.

Trouble dog? Nope – love’s everyone (as long as her food bowl is safe) – especially if you give her snuggles.

Doesn’t like the new home? Nope …. works out great for her (as you can see in the pic).

So what’s the issue? …

Fur …….. lots ……. of ……… fur.

So far we’ve had a Basenji/Lab mix and a Beagle/Boxer mix.

Basenji/Lab … occasional shedding.

Beagle/Boxer … it happens, but you don’t really notice it.

Golden/Something mix …… holy ****!!!!! …… basically to date we’ve needed to be rescued by the fire department at least twice due to the overnight shedding build up.

In the middle of the night I hear my wife “….. no air ….. all fur ….. can’t breath …. help ………. gasp”

So, what should we do?

We’ve has the following ideas:

1. Place her in a bag covering everything but her head so the can breath and permanently attached it to a vacuum cleaner, continually vaccing up the fur.
2. Spray all of her fur (less her face) in a concentrated Aquanet coating (heck …. it worked for the big hair ladies in the 80s).
3. Old fashioned Nair treatment (it’s been working for humans since the 40’s).

……. Note: for all of the pet lovers that will freak out about the statements about (please exclude yourself if you are a normal pet lover) … no, we are going to take any action on any of the ideas above. Our cat has advised us that the alternative resolution to our problem is for her to train us on how to hack up hairballs (and to buy an industrial vac).

… Groan

-SWB

Out Of A Coma

We’re back …. or at least out of a coma.

Slightly after our little stint of “help” from the folks at Sophisticated Pittsburgh on upping our number of blog writers, they in fact lost many of theirs.  In other words people got real jobs, go married, or just disappeared of the face of the earth at SP.  As a result, we are coming back to our original self.

So, about our original self. The blog experimentally started in 2005, and was moved to .mac via the Apple iWeb.  We started writing around the time that PittGirl, CafeWitness, and others started and gained one of the top growing blog rankings ending up with 2000 readers per day, across 15 countries while on the .mac site.

That actually scared us, considering the amount of vomit we spewed out in those days along with the other rant blogs.  I’m not sure we’ll be as harsh these days, but we’ll try.

BTW – while we were hosting on .mac, Apple kindly asked us to move our site due to their product not being originally made for the amount of throughput we were getting.

So, around Spring of 2008 we moved to WordPress.

The Weasel is back, and we will be blowing word chunks as far as possible.

Cheers

-SWB

Karyon Nightly

Hello SWB readers, I’d like to introduce myself.  My name is Karyon Nightly, one of the writers for the website http://www.sophisticatedpittsburgh.com.  Since we are taking control of SWB, I wanted to let you in on what we are planning on doing to move the site into something that can accompany S.P. as a blog.  SWB has a strong sarcastic and cynical side to it as most of the rant blogs did that started out around the mid 2000’s.  SWB will be that part of S.P. for those little sarcastic articles that we want to have fun with, but may not want to publish on the main site.  Here is what we are planning so far (there are many minds at work, so this may change from time to time):

• We will be deleting any blog entries from SWB that may have too strong of an opinion, or quite frankly don’t any longer apply to issues in the city.
• We will be toning down the sarcasm and strong opinions – we are not censoring, but challenging our writers to be as effective as SWB was, but with more creativity and good writing.
• Although sarcastic, cynical, and a little ranty … we want to try to make our articles readable by all Pittsburghers and outsiders.

Keep in mind, just because we are making SWB a little nicer to fit in with Sophisticated Pittsburgh, that doesn’t mean if you deserve a slap to the face we won’t give it anymore.

We’ll still cover things like Pittsburgh politics, The Steelers, The penguins, enjoyable moments from the council, the Strip District, the wonderful roads, etc, etc.

more later ….

Thanks

-Karyon

 

Changes To SWB

Our New Owners

Yup, we being taken over.

This is for the good.  After being inactive for a while, another site has inquired about taking over Screaming Weasel.  There will be changes, it will retain some of  the sarcasm, but will lose some of the “rantiness”  and negativity that it had when it started around 2005-2006 and rant blogs were the fad – although we will gripe a little through it,  and SWB will be the occasional guest writer.

We think you’ll like it … and what it will present about Pittsburgh.

If you want to check out our new owners, Click Here

Here is their future WordPress Blog (Click Here)

Please welcome Karyon Nightly (sophisticatedpgh) as  the new main writer.

-SWB

The Asphalt Garden

Asphalt is really full of tiny miniature gardens that continually regrow after being run over relentlessly by the big rolling rubber beasts.

Your garden is really a parking space for bugs, mice, and rats.

If you cultivate your imagination, you can skip paying your utility bills and they will still all work.

Your pet goldfish really is talking to you, but your just not smart enough to understand it.

Dogs really do love mailmen … but it’s a different kind of love.

Life is reality, and reality is life … but imagination is the reality of reality.

Opinions are only opinions of someone disagrees with them.  If you agree with your own opinions they are null.

A blank mind is a good mind – hollow places are good for creating sound effects.

A river flows down because the sewage pumps are too weak to push it up.

Human organs created with an inkjet printers only have a 10 year lightfast rating. (search that one on the net – they do that now).

Fishing with your kids is nice and relaxing … especially if you leave them on shore.

When the tulips bloom red, it’s time to make your bed. (this came up during a brief jump into sanity)

Drag racing your Mini Cooper makes everyone else look really cool.

Things happen, stuff happens, %^%# doesn’t happen – it’s made.

Make something creative and the world will follow you hoping they get chosen as extras for your reality show.

How do you know the movies aren’t really reality, and your life is just a result of you not affording good writers?

-SWB

PS – If this all makes sense to you, we have references for good doctors.

Winking In The Wind

… the title of the 2010 sequel to “Gone With The Wind”.

Alright, no, not really … but maybe if we had a “sit down” with a few of the big 3 network execs.

So what is “Winking In The Wind”?

We just made it up, so at this point it’s basically total babble.

Then again, it could be exactly what a bird does just before it plows itself into your high rise office building window.

-or-

What your dog does constantly when you are driving your car over 60 as it’s hanging it’s head out the window (that’s besides drooling all over the side of your car)

-or-

What your husband says he did while glancing at the hot babe walking down the street … and probably what he did right after you smacked him for looking.

-or-

What the nice happy driver that just passed you did to show how friendly he was.

-or-

What the politician did to the intern.

-or-

Wait … I don’t think we can print that here.

-or-

What your newborn did right after you removed it’s diaper.

-SWB

PS – Just more senseless thoughts for the strange that will hopefully invade and corrupt the stable minds of the world.

More Blah Blah Blah … but mildly sunny

Did you ever wonder what a politician is … I mean, besides the description we probably can’t print even in our blog. Well, if you click on the word, it’ll give you the wiki definition.

Basically, it’s someone that is influential in the decisions of the public. You can usually spot them by the pockets full of gift cards for bribe making (using money is illegal now, so they’re being creative … most likely you’ll get a Bed Bath and Beyond card if you having a decision that needs influencing).

Now, I’m not sure how people went from being true politicians (people that actually influence public decision making without bribes or bribing), but I assume it’s because of food.

Why?

Well, how can you say “no” to someone who sticks a fat juicy steak in front of you with all of the fixings (maybe a Morning Star version for those non-meat eaters)?

I can imaging the conversation:

(before dinner)

“Well, I want to get a ‘yes’ decision on hanging offenders for stealing baked goods.”

Poltician – “We can’t possibly do that, it’s just immoral and unethical, not to mention insane!”

(after dinner – premium steak, fresh baked goods, the best wines)

“Just to make sure, can we possibly get you to reconsider allowing us to hang offenders that steal baked goods?”

Politician – “Sure … but we need make sure they are dropped from high enough that their neck breaks instantly so it’s humane.”

See … that’s where politician’s first dropped from grace and ended up in the bribe infested world they are now in … all because of food.

-SWB

PS – I guess everyone falls short somewhere.