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Posts Tagged ‘weather humor’

Enter The Weather

September 18, 2012 Leave a comment

Got a great raised garden started this year …

Veggies grew fast, flower buds abound …

Then …

The bees left, the critters ate the flower buds, and my new raised garden slowly became a wilting weed box due to the drought.

So, what happens now, you ask????

Rain …. lots of it.  Right at the end of the garden growing season that allotted me two tomatoes, one green pepper, and five micro-miniature carrots (think eating with tweezers).

So, WTF?

I mean I realize I live in Pittsburgh, but I’m a descendent of Italian and German immigrants that farmed any of the land in Pittsburgh they set foot on and usually ended up having way to much to eat (which became compost for next years crop).

A few peppers, tomatoes, and some carrots …. that’s what I got. Now I have to go buy my crap.  I feel cheated, my ancestors owe me at least a few bushels of veggies.

…. and enter the weather … rain … can’t even cut the grass (which was dead most of the summer).

-SWB

P.S. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…….

It’s Spring!

March 10, 2010 Leave a comment

Birds are singing.

Snow is melting.

Potholes are blooming.

Green shamrocks are growing in the potholes.

You get the idea … it’s turning Spring in Pittsburgh.

—————

So what other signs of Spring do we have in this wonderful city of ours?

Let’s see:

  • The pirates are starting spring training with aspirations to actually become a baseball team again.
  • The waters are threatening to crest and carry Pittsburgh’s Primanti sandwiches out to sea.
  • The Cultural District smells like a well tuned engine with the performances of Grease (or could that be the oil leaks from the buses?).
  • Orange pylons are emerging from winter storage as Pittsburgh’s roadway obstacle courses are set for the Spring and Summer seasons.
  • In The Strip, dogs howl as the sweet voices of the Opera blend with the musical tones of the local bird song.
  • The aromas from the open doors at Pittsburgh Popcorn enlighten the senses (and unfortunately distract the drivers … that kitty never had a chance).
  • Vendors in the strip finally shed their winter garb, thaw out, and begin wakening from hibernation (it was sad how people just stole their stuff when they were sleeping over the winter).
  • Oh, and did I mention the potholes?  Well, we’re not going to make fun of the city crew, since this is really going to be a sucky Spring for them … although they fill all probably end up fitter than a fiddle (until St. Patty’s Day … along with everyone else).

-SWB

PS – Yup, Spring is in the air … so is the job market, fuel prices, home values.  Such appropriate crisis’ for the Spring 😉

I miss the snow

March 2, 2010 Leave a comment

I Miss The Snow

I miss the snow, with it’s golden white glow.

I miss the snow, giving the back pains that make me realize that I am alive.

I miss the snow, the sounds of wheezing old men that have replaced the song of the birds that have flown.

I miss the snow, the creeks of the old house as it folds into itself below.

I miss the snow, the sleds racing down and the kid’s faces just before they hit the trees and scream, “OH NO!!!”

I miss the snow, the pristine softness of the white blanket fallen from the sky as I admire it after falling on the ice down low.

I miss the snow, the men all in white with the carrot snouts and black charcoal eyes …

Oh wait … crap … those are actually the guys from the insane asylum.  They must have read my post and found out I escaped again ….

gotta run ….. and run ….. and run …..

-SWB

PS – Enjoy the snowball fights until Sunday.

Pittsburgh Dreary

March 1, 2010 Leave a comment

The Strip on a Dreary Day – click the pic to go to our Flikr low res camera photo stream.

Nothin’ like a typical Pittsburgh dreary day to make you feel like you’ve moved to London … at least that what the people from London living in Pittsburgh tell me.

Maybe we should change out unofficial city motto from “Partly Cloudy” to “Partly Dreary”.  I mean, were not like some other places with so little daylight that people are waiting in line atop of tall building to jump to their death … we just have people with constant “hangdog” looks to them.

Unfortunately makeup doesn’t help that a bit.

I’m old, so it’s even worse.

Pittsburgh adds a uniqueness to “dreary”. We create some fairly good dark poets, have produced (and sometimes still do) some great industrial bands, and of course … we make heavy use of “the blues” here.

Although we got the dreary stuff back, I’m glad the snow melted (I finally found my dog).  I think she’s a little ticked we didn’t try to search for her a little harder. We lost her the day of the big snow storm. When we realized that, we opened the door to go look for her, but in the typicalness (is that even a word??) of the Pittsburgh dreary took hold … we took one step, didn’t see her … and just figured she’d come back at some time.

… don’t go runnin’ to call PETA, we didn’t actually do that.

-SWB

PS – It’s partly dreary ‘n at (yep, that sounds cool)

It’s Back … The Orb

February 20, 2010 1 comment

Beware, but try not to be too scared. The Orb is back.

Click Here to read one of our past posts on it.

Well, I guess it’s time to figure out if the world is ending before 2012 … or at least watch out for the falling icicle daggers coming off the building you are walking next too.

Since it’s getting so hot out because of The Orb, we’re probably going to head off the Sarris for ice cream (if that part of the store is open), then to the Science Center to investigate The Orb a bit more.  We’re a little scared and a little worried – not because we haven’t seen The Orb in a while, but simply because the weather guy was worried too.  Then again, maybe he was just starting into a heart attack from the last bit of snow shoveling he did.

Enjoy the days, it looks to be back to freezing drizzle for a bit tomorrow …

-SWB

PS – Remember don’t shoot the messenger, shoot the weatherman (or weather person if you need to be PC)

Gotta love family and snow days

February 9, 2010 Leave a comment

<— this should be a familiar sight for everyone by this time – even for the people down south ({{snicker}} … us northerners aren’t the only ones that got shafted this time … HA!!)

Anyways … the real reason for my post today is to present my theory on why we have snow days, leaving us to  babysit the younginz in our family until they have school again.

Here are the ‘normal’ legitimate reasons:

  • There is now power at the school.
  • The snow is so high and temperature so low it isn’t safe for the kids to wait for the bus (even though I had to walk to school is worse crap … which highlight my theory that the schools are producing wimps these days).
  • The teachers can’t make it to the school.
  • We can’t find the buses in the parking lot.
  • There is no heat in the school.

The REAL reasons:

  • Us, the teachers, really hate your bratty kids … you need to spend a few days with your little spawns of Satan to get a reality check. Enjoy your time freezing with them in your electricity free house while enjoying their endless whining.  We’ll be here staying in the school with generator power.
  • The electric company hates you … the electricity isn’t off due to downed wires – teachers paid them enough bribes to turn it off. The perfect combination of insanity instilled in your teachers after spending years with your children and the natural hatred of electric companies towards their customers allows this to happen … the bribes weren’t even necessary, but heck, it buys a few more gifts for the kids at Christmas next year.
  • God has a sense of humor … we’re just not getting it yet. The idea of being cooped up with all or a portion of your own family for days at end with no where to go is just behind the comprehension of most folks and usually considered an inhumane form of torture.

For those keeping up, click here for an update on the storm part 2 from KDKA.

-SWB

PS – feel free to comment on your own reasons and theories for snow days.

Time to pack up the outdoor pets … including the kids

September 29, 2009 Leave a comment

falbenchYep, you guessed it by the pic … fall is quite quickly on it’s way. (BTW – isn’t it interesting how simple words like “quite quickly” when put together make you sound like you have some command of the English language??).
It’s time to get the leaf rake out, pull the fish and frogs out of the pond (if you do that), find your kid that fall / winter coat, and go back to supporting your local Starbucks (personally I support local companies like Crazy Mocha in Pittsburgh, but SWB realizes most are weak towards simple advertising tactics and don’t have the strength to support local biz …. but that’s another posting). It’s also time to attempt to locate and sift through years of Christmas decorations (because you probably dumped those decorations on top of your fall decorations and don’t remember which box(s) they are in).

Why to do many look towards the season change?

Simple.

We have something new to complain about …. hence:

^$%&^& heat

$^%#$^ leaves

@#%#$% snow

@#%$@ rain

… see – simple.

People think they look forward to the fall season (or spring, etc) because of things like the beauty of it, cuddles with a loved one, bringing back of childhood memories …. but no – it really is just so we can have something new to complain about, nothing more.

You know those wonderful kids that were playing outside all summer? … they will now be inside all day going “mommy Mommy MOMMYYYYYYY!!!” … or just yelling all the new obscenities they just learned at school, so we can probably at the following to our list of complaints:

%^$%^% kids

And the pets that can’t wait to get outside to do their “thing”,will now want to stay inside where it’s warm and of course, do their thing there – so we can add:

$%^%$^ dogs

#$$##$ cats

#$^%%$ fish

honey, the @%%#^ cat ate that #$%##%$ frog and two of the #$%#% fish, and my Scrooge figurine off of the train set.

So, really, why the picture of the cozy looking bench during fall in the city park?

The reality is … after you’ve made your first batch of Limoncello because you read my last article and all of the inhabitants of your household slowly move back in from the summer months ….. that’s probably where you will end up (with your bottle of Limoncello).

Well, good luck and enjoy the fall season …

… and remember to buy a house with a den that has a lockable door on it next time 🙂

-SWB

PS – That thing with the cat, the frog, and the fish …. yep …. that actually happens in my house.

Our Friend The Sun

April 18, 2009 Leave a comment

fl98sunset011

Our friend the sun,

the world revolves around you

—–

Our friend the sun,

you get the grass to grow … making the lawn mowers purr

—–

Our friend the sun,

you warm our home … kicking the air conditioners on

—–

Our friend the sun,

you cause Pittsbrughers fear when you show yourself in the sky

—–

Our friend the sun,

you make the flowers beautiful, and the allergies plentiful

—–

Our friend the sun,

when you go boom … so will we.

-SWB

PS – If you want to add to this … go for it … we had no idea where it was going, but posted it for giggles and to get our required fill of babble into SWB (plus we wanted to post a cool sunset pic).

Searching for the end of a rainbow

April 8, 2009 1 comment

rainbowWhy search for the end of rainbow?

Think about it … it tends to be one of those dead end goose chases. It’s one of those things of beauty you can never obtain. Well, maybe we shouldn’t say “never”. A few people have been so “lucky” to find a rainbow, and even fewer have found the end of it. Due to the detailed and diligent reporting SWB does (we realize opinions vary on that), we have obtained details on what four others have discovered at the end. Due to the controversy in their findings we are not using their real names:

  • Carol was the first to actually get to a rainbow. In her words “Initially when I arrived, it was sooooo beautiful. I couldn’t even describe it. The beauty drew me into to rainbow. It was amazing. I was so mesmerized by it I didn’t notice it was all just multi-colored dyes. It was too late when I noticed my brand new $500 BCBG Maximaria dress was ruined. After that I heard a faint snicker … there was some green guy way off in the distance laughing at me. ****** rainbow, idiot green guy”.  Sorry … we didn’t think she was going to use that kind of language. I guess life is full of disappointments.
  • Jack discovered a rainbow at the tail end of a storm. He also discovered the multi-colored dyed mist, but still had his raincoat so he was safe and none of his clothes got stained. Going a little further than Carol did, he came close to meeting with that green guy Carol spotted. He wasn’t laughing this time, and actually shot Jack with a dart. Jack was finally discovered by the emergency beacon he set off before passing out. The doctors are working on getting him our of his coma. The strange thing they discovered is that after the poison from the dart set in, his stomach will only digest clovers and Irish whiskey. The Irish doctors and the American doctors are at odds as to whether that is healthy or not, and if it is a sign of hope and recovery.
  • Jason and Kelly both made it completely to the end, and actually met up with the green guy. They thought he was a Leprechaun, and they were quite disappointed when they found out he actually was just a green guy. The fabled Pot O’ Gold now only contained a rare, but useless National City gold debit card. The bank was sold off and the account emptied. They asked the green guy where the Pot O’ Gold treasure went … and well, let’s just say we are not comfortable with printing his reply. The couple said he was just mean, plain mean. He actually threw the pot at Kelly, requiring her to get stitches. The couple eventually gave up on finding the fabled treasure stating it would be easier to get a government job and skim from accounts.

So SWB asks … why bother looking for the end of a rainbow if you only find dyed mist, a ticked off green guy, and a defunct debit card?

Times have changed, and the only thing we can figure out is that the Leprechaun family business faded out long ago and wasn’t noticed gone due to the lack of people discovering the ends of rainbows. The only minute ray of hope is a rumor that there is one family member left awaiting word of inclusion in the current stimulus package.
-SWB

PS – See … the economy has even hit the little green guys.

A Potentially Violent Tornado

April 2, 2009 Leave a comment

swbhuhLike many others I flipped on the Weather Channel this morning to see what was up. As soon as I started watching the meteorologist started talking about the current severe weather. I’m a Skywarn member and a bit of a wannabe storm chaser so this interests me. The next weather occurrence he predicated was that the weather system going through the mid-west could produce “A Potentially Violent Tornado” – which made me smile and go “huh?”. I’ve never known any tornado to *not* be violent. This inspired me to do a list comparing tornadoes types to see if maybe I missed something (remember, we all have much to learn in life):

———-

Violent Tornado: Runs through your house totally obliterating it and killing most of your family and pets.

Tame Tornado: Picks up your house, gently relocating it to the state you need to move to for your new job while being careful to not damage any household items.

———-

Violent Tornado: Picks up every cow in a pasture immediately killing them and the people in the cars that the cows land on.

Tame Tornado: Moves the cows to better pastures providing them with additional food while milking them to save time for local farmers.

———-

Violent Tornado: Completely destroys hundreds of years of historically important buildings as it passes through the center of a city.

Tame Tornado: Carefully sand-blasts the historically important buildings in the city it passes through beautifying and preserving them for future generations.

———-

Violent Tornado: Destroys all industrial buildings in it’s path, rendering them useless causing massive unemployment.

Tame Tornado: Takes old building materials found around the site and makes modern sculptures out of them that fetch high prices at national art auctions adding capital to the business the tornado ran through saving it from the bad economy.

———-

Hmmmm ….. I guess after making my list I now realize that there *are* tame and helpful tornadoes along with “potentially violent ones”.

-SWB

PS – What happened to those legitimate meteorologists that were on the weather channel? They in retirement down in Florida already?

It’s A Foggy Early Morning

March 27, 2009 Leave a comment

pghfoggy… da daaaaa, da daaaa (sung to “it’s a beautiful morning”.

While Pittsburgh is now trying to copy off of London and mimic the cool UK with the fog and all, I think I can summarize how we all feel with our new found weather scenes. Here it goes:

It’s a foggy morning,

I muttered as the laundry I was sorting.

The guy on the news,

said on the way to work crashes and pile-ups would be the views.

Pittsburghers have lost their talent of driving in the snow,

and the fog they definitely do not know.

It’s those English chaps in the other land,

that know how to negotiate that hovering white sand.

Pittsburghers here, drive through it with a sneer,

wondering which way, at the last second they will have to veer.

-SWB

PS – If you put coffee grounds on your tongue and hold you hear out the car window while driving, you shouldn’t have to use the coffee maker today.

The First Days Of Spring in Pittsburgh

March 21, 2009 Leave a comment

snowarticle112108

The first days of spring in Pittsburgh are always unique. They are never the same, and never come in the same way. Personally I think this is a sign of God having humor. Here is my tale of how this season came to play with Pittsburgh today.

—————————————————————-

It’s the first days of Spring and I imagine to see many a thing,

many kids at play with birds in the air gliding on a wing.

—–

Dreaming of this Spring scene while laying in bed,

I was thinking of flowers blooming early and turning a bright pretty red.

—–

Following a whim I caught in my dream,

I dressed in T-shirt and shorts wearing a smile that just seemed to beam.

—–

I ran down the stairs, and whipped open the door,

to a Spring sight I though that I could adore.

—–

But the only thing I saw could not have made me frown more,

it looked like a lost Pittsburgh river rat clawing at my door.

—–

The pond was still covered with ice and my shirt apparently thin,

I screamed out to God, “this isn’t the way it was in my PS3 Sim!!”

—–

The only thing flying in the grim cold at this time,

was the WPXI traffic copter covering a three car pile up in it’s prime.

—–

It’s supposed to be warm, happy, and sunny …

but no matter where I look there isn’t a single bunny.

—–

The only thing to be seen blooming were the pothole flowers,

Turning the expensive cars into over-sized earth plowers.

—–

A beautiful Spring movie scene did not greet me this day,

It seemed that the glorious Pittsburgh weather just pushed it the other way.

———-

-SWB

PS – Welcome to Spring in Pittsburgh … get your shovels back out!

What is that bright orange orb in the sky??

March 6, 2009 Leave a comment

sunsetrise028

….. it think it’s the second coming of Christ!!!!!

Nope, not exactly ….. it’s just the sun. If you are a resident of Pittsburgh (or possibly London, England) … look it up online, or in an enclyopedia – it’s real, honest. You just don’t get to see it that much.

And no, the world is not ending, so don’t flip your boss the finger on the way our of work today (actually, that might be a bad idea if the world was ending anyway). Unfortunately you are still going to have to deal with him/her for a bit.

Oh … don’t fret – we should be back to clouds and rain tomorrow. I know how people hate change around here.

-SWB

PS – if the bright orange orb you are looking at happens to not be the sun … worry, worry very much.