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Posts Tagged ‘life humor’

Living life to it’s fullest

April 14, 2010 Leave a comment

Lot’s of self help books out there … lots.  Actually I plan on writing one.  I’m no expert at anything, but I can point out flaws and dictate “how to fix them” … and I’m going to need a new car in a few years, so writing a type of book that tends to attract tons of suckers should attract enough money to fund my new car.

Here’s the reality of it … I actually am an expert at self help.  Why?  I’m just as screwed up as everyone else … thus certifying me as an expert.

Keep in mind, if self help books were not needed, nor popular, that would indicate we are a perfect society that just loves each other – any we all know the reality of the current state of society.  So, when you purchase your next book on how to live life to it’s fullest, keep that in mind.

Taking that info into account, what should we really look at? Probably everything else but us.

Here are some ideas, observations, and advices:

  • Trees and plants … most of them just stay silent and grow.  They really don’t bother anyone.  Honestly, I’m glad they’re silent and don’t do much, because if they could state their opinion on humans … it probably wouldn’t be even remotely close to the level we rate ourselves.  If they could take action, we probably wouldn’t be here.
  • Pets … most of them are dumb and stupid, don’t care about anything but food, sleep, and the occasional poop.  Maybe we’re just too intelligent and really need to digress down to the level of Fido to get back with the program.
  • Maybe we need to look at the societies that have almost nothing in comparison to us. Naaaa … that means giving up Blackberrys and iPods.  Bad idea. I’m sure Mr. Jobs is trying to figure out how to make me disappear for even suggesting the idea of life without an iPod.
  • Could it be the fact that we try too hard to make life that we forget to enjoy it by just letting it happen? Then again bonuses don’t come with enjoyment of life. They come with triple shots of Expresso on an hourly basis.
  • A person once said that pain makes you realize that you are alive.  What crap were they on?? I need to feel pain to realize I’m alive, so I can life life to it’s fullest?? Did anyone ever take that seriously? Oh, wait … I just realized that’s what those $1500 ergonomic chairs are for in your cube – to keep you in just enough pain to keep you awake and drinking coffee.
  • Strange people … did anyone ever toss up the idea that they’re actually not strange and that maybe we’re the ones living in the “alternate world”?  Hmmm … maybe all the answers are in that guy in the park that performs opera for the geese.  He seems happy.
  • Maybe we need to look more deeply inside ourselves. Actually that’s just plain gross … isn’t bad enough that they now show blood, guts, and intestines on the CSI shows?  I’m not sure I want to look deep into myself and see my own.

Well, that’s it for “Thoughts For The Strange” advice on how to live life to it’s fullest.  Comment and leave your own advice if you can (or e-email for our PayPal info so you can preorder our self help book). We’ll need the new car to drive to someone that can print the book.  If it doesn’t show up in a few years, write a letter to somewhere in Jamaica asking us for a status … it should get to us.  Maybe.

PS – This advice was compiled by one expert.  No other experts will even come close to backing it up or even associating themselves with any of it. Actually, even the guy that wrote it won’t back it up … so hopefully you have enough sense to not really listen.

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The Asphalt Garden

April 9, 2010 Leave a comment

Asphalt is really full of tiny miniature gardens that continually regrow after being run over relentlessly by the big rolling rubber beasts.

Your garden is really a parking space for bugs, mice, and rats.

If you cultivate your imagination, you can skip paying your utility bills and they will still all work.

Your pet goldfish really is talking to you, but your just not smart enough to understand it.

Dogs really do love mailmen … but it’s a different kind of love.

Life is reality, and reality is life … but imagination is the reality of reality.

Opinions are only opinions of someone disagrees with them.  If you agree with your own opinions they are null.

A blank mind is a good mind – hollow places are good for creating sound effects.

A river flows down because the sewage pumps are too weak to push it up.

Human organs created with an inkjet printers only have a 10 year lightfast rating. (search that one on the net – they do that now).

Fishing with your kids is nice and relaxing … especially if you leave them on shore.

When the tulips bloom red, it’s time to make your bed. (this came up during a brief jump into sanity)

Drag racing your Mini Cooper makes everyone else look really cool.

Things happen, stuff happens, %^%# doesn’t happen – it’s made.

Make something creative and the world will follow you hoping they get chosen as extras for your reality show.

How do you know the movies aren’t really reality, and your life is just a result of you not affording good writers?

-SWB

PS – If this all makes sense to you, we have references for good doctors.

Winking In The Wind

March 24, 2010 Leave a comment

… the title of the 2010 sequel to “Gone With The Wind”.

Alright, no, not really … but maybe if we had a “sit down” with a few of the big 3 network execs.

So what is “Winking In The Wind”?

We just made it up, so at this point it’s basically total babble.

Then again, it could be exactly what a bird does just before it plows itself into your high rise office building window.

-or-

What your dog does constantly when you are driving your car over 60 as it’s hanging it’s head out the window (that’s besides drooling all over the side of your car)

-or-

What your husband says he did while glancing at the hot babe walking down the street … and probably what he did right after you smacked him for looking.

-or-

What the nice happy driver that just passed you did to show how friendly he was.

-or-

What the politician did to the intern.

-or-

Wait … I don’t think we can print that here.

-or-

What your newborn did right after you removed it’s diaper.

-SWB

PS – Just more senseless thoughts for the strange that will hopefully invade and corrupt the stable minds of the world.

Life is good …

March 3, 2010 Leave a comment

Well … the snow is going away, my car is now legal to drive, I have two dogs staring at me while I’m writing this …

Life is good.  I’m broke from the cost of the inspection, but life is good.

I figure if I keep saying that enough …

Anyway … another day of late blogging because there is no wi-fi near the dealership.  It’s in the South Hills, so there are no hip coffee houses to go to.  I guess not every town can be “cool”.

So, SWB is left to late, caffeine-less, lame posting because my brain only works from about 9am to 3pm … considering the experts say your brain starts deteriorating around the age of 27, I’m quite happy mine works at all … although some people do have an opinion about that.

-SWB

PS – Only two more days in the week to get Dunkin’ Donuts from the Pittsburgh store … I could get a little edgy.  Beware. If you see me driving behind you with a determined “I have to get to Dunkin'” look, just let me pass …

Insanity, The Lost Eden

May 21, 2009 Leave a comment

swbtwitterAs an insane person, the last thing you need to wake up to this morning is those “normal” people making fun of your “condition”.

Am I Right?? Let’s have a big “whoop whoop” here!

I mean, granted, there are a few that give a bad name to insanity (you know the people that hurt or kill others and use insanity as their excuse), but in general insanity is not a bad thing – it really is the Lost Eden.

“How?”, do you say?

Well, think about it. Here are some reasons:

  • Insane people regularly speak to their invisible friends that alway stay by their side and respond back kindly. If they don’t respond back kindly, they aren’t your true invisible friends.
  • Insane people generally produce great artwork, sometimes replicating the visions they see in their mind.
  • If you are insane, you can live in and visit the Garden of Eden any time you want. Wouldn’t you want to be surrounded by beautiful flowers all of the time?
  • There is less stress in your life – no strokes, heart attacks or high blood pressure – like those “normal” folks.

There are thousands of other reasons – we just don’t have the space to cover them all, but keep in mind that The Lost Eden is always at your finger tips:

  • When your boss yells at you, just let your mind permanently drift to that garden of posies.
  • When your Microsoft(r) laptop crashes for the 155th time, let your mind enter those circuits and stay there.
  • When you’ve had it with the local grocery store being out of your favorite cereal for the third straight month (even though you haven’t asked them if it waas discontinued) … just let your mind float away.

See … that Lost Eden you are looking for is really there. It really is “The Lost Eden”.

-SWB

PS – Occasionally we do a “mental spot check” for our readers. This is one of them. If any of this article makes sense to you, either seek professional help immediately or start reading Mad Magazine again.

Utter Nonsense and Your Job

February 19, 2009 Leave a comment

utternonsenseprod

‘Utter Nonsense and Such’ … a new series from SWB. Life experiences of mine in work and other areas that are Utterly Nonsense but possibly effective.

For my first one I go back to my life in semi-fast-food.

If you’ve worked in food services you know that managerial idiots are normally common and abundant. A former co-worker found a way to combat that: As other workers were being screamed at to do everything but what they were trained to do my friend would stand in view of the manager-in-heat and quitely stare at the knife he was ever so slowly sharpening. Now, I know he was completely sane – but the manager didn’t. Considering his work was way over top-notch, HR would not allow them to get rid of him. So …. while others (as I previously mentioned) were getting a blasting from the top management types, they would normally ask him in a quiet kind manner if he would consider doing something other than sharpening his knife. He usually didn’t respond, and they would just walk away – freeing up his time to actually do the work he was initially assigned for that day. He was the only one that really ever got his own work completed.

Now … for the clueless and lacking of common sense reading this blog posting … SWB is in no way telling you to sharpen a knife in an insane psychotic manner at your workplace (this was just a re-telling of my experience with a friend) … but be creative: talk to the voices inside your monitor in your cube, hold your pencil or pen in a constant death-grip, hang multiple paintings of ‘Matrix’ coding on your walls at work and write notes about them on a small pad while management looks on, water dead plants while talking to them like they are your pets, etc. People will leave you alone to get your work done, and treat you ever so much more nicely just out of the simple fear that you are slowly slipping away from reality. Think up something appropriate for your workplace, industry, and general surroundings that won’t get you put in jail or immediately fired. Remember – this is an exercise to make you life easier and give you a few minutes of comedy each day.

-SWB

SWB Tip … remember to discern advice from anyone. If you are stupid enough to take stupid advice – your are just stupid. Nothing more.