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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

The Glory of Windshield Wipers

September 16, 2016 Leave a comment

SWBBlahBlahHuh?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah, we expected that response with the title.

Let me explain a little further.

You’ve  been married for a long time, even though the amazing intimacy has disappeared a long while ago, you still have your best friend.

You now have a teenager, so your Dodge Viper has been traded in for a used mini-van, and you are toting your teen around to every event because you could buy a new car for the yearly insurance on a teen for your auto.

Your teenager has now discovered the joys of human attraction … so the boy “friends” or girl “friends” are now showing up droves and you can’t keep the names straight (let alone which one your teen is with).

The joys of a brand new tech toy, brand new sports car, brand new boat, brand new house, etc have fleeted away a long time ago …. with most of you personal time and pocket change.

So what do windshield wipers even have to do with this (remember this IS a blah blah blah article)?

You finally skimmed enough off the top of the family funds to afford your new set of $12 snazzy windshield wipers from Wally World.

The moral of the story – you’re old.

Next week the kiddies will have you in a retirement home.

Enjoy.

-SWB

 

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The Mascot, The Poodle, Stereotypes, and the quest for readership

September 13, 2016 Leave a comment

brandycmYou guessed it … it had to happen … one of the pets of a SWB writer became the mascot.

Was this because of the old, wise-dog look of an 8.5 year old pup?

No.

Was it because she did something terrible, like eating the toy poodle sitting next to her and we’re trying to clear her name?

Possibly.

Here’s the truth … we’ll stoop as low as possible to get readership … as most blog owners will. It’s just reality. When you are competing against tens of thousands of other writers than can’t write, along with another ten thousand legitimate journalists with blogs, resorting to a pic of a cute pup enjoying the day at an outdoor coffee shop works …

at least with the women (yes, that was a sexist statement … we know it … but it’s true, so we’re still using it). We couldn’t find a football to stick next to the dog, so we know the guys will care less about the post (stereotypes are our thing).

No we didn’t feed the dog coffee, well … at least we didn’t until she held the poodle hostage.

Hmm …. actually, maybe we should have let her keep the poodle as a hostage as leverage to see if we could get her signed as the mascot for the Riverhounds (oh wait … they don’t make enough money yet). Maybe we can get a deal with the Steelers … on the other hand, they already have a dog (Ben).

We need a sports team that wants a mascot so I can make a ton of money off the last few years of this animal, buy a new house, and stop writing this crap.

Maybe the Pirates (they’re resembling a country dog now …. lay on porch, do nothing).

… or the Penguins (wait …. I can’t pick on them – Mario only lives a mile from where I’m writing this, and he’s bigger than I am).

Dreams.

Yes … she ate the poodle – said it tasted like cat hair.

-SWB

P.S. We hope you enjoyed the mindless sanctuary your brain went into when you were reading this – it will help your therapist enjoy your next session.

P.S. P.S. PLEASE tell your friends you actually read this garbage … the more people we dumb down, the smarter our blog looks 🙂   Cool, huh? Modern marketing at work.

The Friday that is a Monday

September 21, 2012 Leave a comment

See the fog in the picture?  No, it’s not a photoshopped image of how Pittsburgh was supposed to look 30 to 40 years ago.  It’s how my head feels. Because of that, it feels like Monday.

… and for some reason the line in the coffee shop is never ending today, when normally at this time nobody besides the local police are hanging out here (not that it’s a bad place, they just like the coffee – although a little action would be entertaining in the morning).

It’s a great morning {note the sarcasm here} … I can’t get the new caulking around the bathtub to cure well, the kid was whining about not having pop-tarts for breakfast (possibly the most unhealthy thing there is first thing in the morning), the garage door is breaking, and our school board gods are starting to think they are actually god – I had to read about that in the local paper because obviously it was a sucky news day.

I’m sure some idiot will cut me off on the way to work, and my coffee will spill in the car again avoiding him.

The only perks I’ll get today is the view of the city driving into work, preceded by the aroma of Alcosan on the way.  You know your life is on the down side when you look forward to the aroma of Alcosan.

-SWB

Happy Friday

Enter The Weather

September 18, 2012 Leave a comment

Got a great raised garden started this year …

Veggies grew fast, flower buds abound …

Then …

The bees left, the critters ate the flower buds, and my new raised garden slowly became a wilting weed box due to the drought.

So, what happens now, you ask????

Rain …. lots of it.  Right at the end of the garden growing season that allotted me two tomatoes, one green pepper, and five micro-miniature carrots (think eating with tweezers).

So, WTF?

I mean I realize I live in Pittsburgh, but I’m a descendent of Italian and German immigrants that farmed any of the land in Pittsburgh they set foot on and usually ended up having way to much to eat (which became compost for next years crop).

A few peppers, tomatoes, and some carrots …. that’s what I got. Now I have to go buy my crap.  I feel cheated, my ancestors owe me at least a few bushels of veggies.

…. and enter the weather … rain … can’t even cut the grass (which was dead most of the summer).

-SWB

P.S. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…….

Thoughts For The Strange – deep thinkers list

April 29, 2010 Leave a comment

Here’s some stuff to think about – don’t try real hard, we have no funding for lawsuits if your brain melts.

  1. If you put a car with a manual transmission in gear and push it backwards on the path you drove it forward on, will it scoop up the exhaust and reformulate it back into gasoline allowing the most green action possible by a motor vehicle.
  2. While pushing that car, can you avoid a hernia?
  3. If you call pigeons the dirtiest animals on earth, don’t you hurt the feelings of most pigs?
  4. If kayakers are padding up the river when the sewage plant releases overflow, are they now paddling up s**t crick?
  5. Are Hollywood people really THAT far out there with their behaviors? – or are you really just that boring?
  6. If you are clueless and constantly talking and immune from the pain of your cluelessness, will someone else’s head eventually explode from the pain of your ceaseless empty thoughts? (this could be a scientific study here)
  7. Is the number ‘7’ real?
  8. Which do you think is more likely to happen: A) People helping a dying man on the street after he’s been stabbed -or- B) People helping a mob boss load a body back into the trunk of his car?
  9. Which smells better …. standing in a field of wildflowers -or- standing a virtual reality field of wildflowers.
  10. When life gets tough, do the tough really get going … or do they just flex a bit?

-SWB

PS – think long and hard, eventually the pain will stop …

Speeding for God

April 29, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s time for that colorful Clueless and Confused sign to show up in preparation for a trophy hand out.

This time it’s for the ‘messiah’ … yup, he showed up in Squirrel Hill (click here to check out the PG article by Sadie Gurman).  If you want to find him, just look for the newly wrecked smoking car.

There’s nothing like plowing into a synagogue at a high rate of speed with a car to show off your messiah like qualities.  It’ll definitely convince people you just kicked off the second (or first – depending on your beliefs) coming of the promised one.

It also gets you the latest Clueless Trophy from SWB.  You can’t beat that – unless you get a real replica made and hold it in a death grip during your insanity trial.

Anyway – it’s nice to see that the clueless have improved so much of their capability to become even more clueless.

-SWB

PS – Just read the article, it just says it all about this Darwin Award wannabee.

Don’t Wanna

April 26, 2010 Leave a comment

Did you ever have a day when you didn’t want to write anything?

This is mine.

Enjoy the silence.

-SWB

Categories: babble, Blah Blah Blah, columns, humor Tags: